Friday, February 16, 2007

Usernames, Passwords, and Frustration

Ah! I just spent the longest time trying to login to a blog I created over winter break. No luck whatsoever. So here I am starting a brand new blog. I hate creating new accounts. Oh well. I'm really bored at work and I want to write. I'm sick of the thoughts in my head, it's time to vomit them all up. I wish this writing would be poetic, and meaningful, and keep the attention of others, but I just don't write like that. I wish my writing could be as clever and thought provoking as my fellow bloggers, but in the end, I know it won't be. So with that said, go ahead and surf onto a more interesting, more eloquent blog. No fancy dessert here, just plain jello.

My "best" friend is moving out of our house at the end of the month so she can have a dog. So she can keep a dog that was given to her as a birthday present from her boyfriend's friends. I am really bitter. I hate these feelings of disappointment, loss, and my reluctancy to forgive and get over it. At a deep level, I feel like I've been set aside. Forgotten. There was a choice to be made between me and the dog. Now I'm looking for another roommate. I feel so irritated when she talks to me as sweet and friendly as ever. I've never vocalized my displeasure to her. If I tried I know I'd explode. My feelings have been crushed. And I won't allow myself to let that go. This same scenario has happened many times before. Where's the loyalty in this friendship? She's not my best friend. I think what's crushing me is the realization that she hasn't been my best friend for a long time. I feel lost and utterly alone. Who can I turn to? Who is my best friend? I thought I was standing on solid ground but more and more I realize I'm sinking deeper and deeper and refuse to acknowledge the thick mud swallowing me whole.

My other roommate is getting married. I'm really happy for her. I'm only sad that we've haven't bonded as roommates. We come home and do separate things. There's no reaching out. Just cold hellos and goodbyes. I'm puzzled. I have no idea how to remedy the situation. I feel as if I've tried to go at least halfway but have received no response. What can I do? Maybe we aren't meant to be close friends with everyone we meet. Maybe some people don't want to let you in. Maybe you're not good enough. I really wanted to be her friend though. I am sincerely happy for her though and I wish her all the luck in the world.

Annoynmous Male Friend
Somehow, I've become very good friends with this guy. He's not the type of guy I'd go for. We've stayed awake talking till 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm addicted to his opinion, his voice, all his thoughts. I'd be happy to just sitting and listening to him talk about anything. I'd be content if I didn't say one word or add one thought. I really don't know what's going on. I'm really scared by it. Ever since my boyfriend left for his mission I've been really afraid to let anyone close to me. It's something I'm not proud of but for the life of me I can't shake it. I'm so scared that I'll screw up something so wonderful. I'm scared to live my life. I know that sounds really generic but it's the sobering truth that brings tears to me eyes as I write it. I'll never say it out loud. I haven't done anything dishonest, nothing dishonorable. I've simply enjoyed this friend's company. I've been excited to see him, anxiously waiting to see him, to talk to him at the end of the day. Then there's the even more confusing feelings of butterflies when he touches my skin in the most mundane ways. Am I just so famished from fasting from physical affection?

This is too heavy for me to handle right now. I shouldn't be holding back tears and working.

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