Friday, February 16, 2007

The Bright Side of Life

Lately I can't shake this jaded attitude. I miss the sunny and chipper me. My Annoynmous Male Friend, (who shall be known now as "AMF") makes me really happy. I actually found myself whistling at work. That kind of feeling can't possibly be all that bad. I am going on a mission. I am going on a mission. When my boyfriend and I talked about dating other people while he was away, he actually encouraged me, if it made me happy. AMF makes me happy. I'm not comparing these feelings to any feelings I have with the boyfriend. Completely different playing fields. Hopefully this experience will illustrate what I'm trying to say, even if it is me just trying to justify things. AMF made me dinner on Valentine's Day. I bought him a box of chocolates and he bought me one. Sorta a gift canceling out. We enjoyed each other's company when we otherwise would have both been alone. Well, me for sure at least. There can't be anything wrong with that. Wouldn't the boyfriend want me to be happy and enjoying my young life instead of being trapped in my isolation? I hope so. Maybe I just worry too much. My feelings for the boyfriend have not changed. I am not trying to replace him, am I? AMF and I have some sort of connection, on exactly which level I'm not certain. Can you ever be certain? I miss the clarity my head used to possess.

After eating...
My roommate made some food! This is the soon to be married roommate. I'm really glad that we got to sit down and talk. She's really excited and I loved hearing about all her plans. She said something that I thought was really genuine. She said she can't wait to be on her own. I thought it interesting that even though she doesn't live with her parents anymore she still considers herself dependent of them. I know I still have ties to my folks too but I definitely consider myself on my own. I love it. I always want to be financially independent, competent, and savvy. That's one thing my parents really taught me. They taught me about money and how to control it so it doesn't end up controlling you. Of course, I slip up a lot, but thus far I'm proud of my financial efforts. She asked me if the AMF had made a move. Oh, I can already hear the rumor mill rumbling. I don't care. I know who I am, I know what I want out of my life (for the most part...) and I am me, I am my own person. Today I finally feel like I'm ready to stand up for me. Don't judge me. I'm me and that definition only includes me. Man, my writing is so moody lately. For your sakes, I hope the sunny ellie comes back soon. For now, you're stuck with all I have to give.

No comments: