I wish I was living right. I wish I liked coming to work. I wish my room was cleaner. I wish my assignments were done. I wish I was more diligent in reading my scriptures. I wish I could get up in the morning. I'm not even tired. This morning the alarm went off and I just rolled over and set it for an hour later. Did I sleep during that hour? Perhaps a little, off and on. I mostly just laid in bed thinking. Worrying. Stressing. How am I to face the world today?
He's wonderful. He pretends not to care and then gushes and gushes. Oh he's wonderful. I can talk to him. I can talk to him. I am so blessed to have someone to just talk to. Someone who will tell me how full of crap I become. Gosh I don't want to lose that. I really hope I'm not pushing him away. Who would have ever thought I'd be the girl with issues? Not me, at least not in a million years. I hate being this girl. I hate catching myself from saying how I really feel, over and over and over, more and more often. I've put myself in this tiny cage. Tiny emotional cage. Sadly, I chose it. I wanted it. Oh what a pathetic person I've become. Not allowing myself to believe how much I love him is killing me. Today I might die.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Oh spring break was marvelous, just heavenly... now it's back to the same old story. I feel so guilty for allowing myself to become so close to someone, someone else. The more and more I see this person the more thick this feeling becomes. Okay, so simply see less of him. Ahh. I don't want that either. Things have moved and continue to move too fast. How do I slow it down without bringing it all to a halt? Then I find myself asking, Do I really want to slow it down at all? Ah, I've turned into the cake girl. I want it all. I want everyone. Decisions, terrible, necessary decisions. Will they hold my scholarship? Will I have to stick around for a one more whole semester? Am I just running away or running towards something? What the heck is a "prospect" anyway? How on earth am I going to complete all my assignments this week? I just want to live.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Lately I've been thinking a lot about self-worth. How do we determine our individual self-worth? What do we allow to effect us? What makes us feel like a useful and successful human being? What's makes me worth anything? Have we allowed our skin to become so thin and our minds so weak that we allow a photo from an advertisement to dictate our standard of beauty? Have we become so shallow and uncreative to base our ideals on the ideals of others? When did we stop evaluating our values of acceptance? Have we become so lazy as to stop actively seeking our true selves?
Monday, March 12, 2007
I'm not tired. I don't want to go to bed. I know I should take advantage of as much sleep as possible but I just don't want to go to bed. "So, yeah... guess I'll talk to you tomorrow..." Am I being selfish? Perhaps inconsiderate? Irrational? Impulsive? Did I cause offense (again)? Oh I don't know what to do with myself. I know exactly what I want, tonight anyway, and I mean that in the purest and most innocent way. I know who I wish were here at this moment. But I guess we're not supposed to always have what we want when we want it. Why doesn't he want to hang out tonight? The homework scenario was eliminated...maybe he's feeling sick. Maybe he's feeling sick of me... ah so that's it. Oh well. What can you do, right? Goodnight, you sorry and pathetic excuse for a blog.