Tuesday, March 27, 2007


I wish I was living right. I wish I liked coming to work. I wish my room was cleaner. I wish my assignments were done. I wish I was more diligent in reading my scriptures. I wish I could get up in the morning. I'm not even tired. This morning the alarm went off and I just rolled over and set it for an hour later. Did I sleep during that hour? Perhaps a little, off and on. I mostly just laid in bed thinking. Worrying. Stressing. How am I to face the world today?

He's wonderful. He pretends not to care and then gushes and gushes. Oh he's wonderful. I can talk to him. I can talk to him. I am so blessed to have someone to just talk to. Someone who will tell me how full of crap I become. Gosh I don't want to lose that. I really hope I'm not pushing him away. Who would have ever thought I'd be the girl with issues? Not me, at least not in a million years. I hate being this girl. I hate catching myself from saying how I really feel, over and over and over, more and more often. I've put myself in this tiny cage. Tiny emotional cage. Sadly, I chose it. I wanted it. Oh what a pathetic person I've become. Not allowing myself to believe how much I love him is killing me. Today I might die.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Clever Cover Story Awards

Oh spring break was marvelous, just heavenly... now it's back to the same old story. I feel so guilty for allowing myself to become so close to someone, someone else. The more and more I see this person the more thick this feeling becomes. Okay, so simply see less of him. Ahh. I don't want that either. Things have moved and continue to move too fast. How do I slow it down without bringing it all to a halt? Then I find myself asking, Do I really want to slow it down at all? Ah, I've turned into the cake girl. I want it all. I want everyone. Decisions, terrible, necessary decisions. Will they hold my scholarship? Will I have to stick around for a one more whole semester? Am I just running away or running towards something? What the heck is a "prospect" anyway? How on earth am I going to complete all my assignments this week? I just want to live.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dream On

Lately I've been thinking a lot about self-worth. How do we determine our individual self-worth? What do we allow to effect us? What makes us feel like a useful and successful human being? What's makes me worth anything? Have we allowed our skin to become so thin and our minds so weak that we allow a photo from an advertisement to dictate our standard of beauty? Have we become so shallow and uncreative to base our ideals on the ideals of others? When did we stop evaluating our values of acceptance? Have we become so lazy as to stop actively seeking our true selves?

Monday, March 12, 2007

What happened to going to bed early on a school night?

I'm not tired. I don't want to go to bed. I know I should take advantage of as much sleep as possible but I just don't want to go to bed. "So, yeah... guess I'll talk to you tomorrow..." Am I being selfish? Perhaps inconsiderate? Irrational? Impulsive? Did I cause offense (again)? Oh I don't know what to do with myself. I know exactly what I want, tonight anyway, and I mean that in the purest and most innocent way. I know who I wish were here at this moment. But I guess we're not supposed to always have what we want when we want it. Why doesn't he want to hang out tonight? The homework scenario was eliminated...maybe he's feeling sick. Maybe he's feeling sick of me... ah so that's it. Oh well. What can you do, right? Goodnight, you sorry and pathetic excuse for a blog.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Making a Mess of My Days

desperate, stumbling towards perfection, alive, bright eyed, happy, confused by foolish feelings and emotions, ideas, restless, sleepy, outrageous, plain, jumpy, oily, sweaty, hopeful, stuck, empty, ambitious, ignorant, dreamer, wisher, cryer, leader, dazzling, sticky, hypocrite, remorseful, aching, runner, desirous, taker, follower, homely, couch potato, noisy, giver, lost, classical, honest, lover, speaker, shy, heart breaker, hometown girl, resourceful, rigid, sexual, lazy, speed demon, greasy, numb, beautiful, subtle, deep, star, failure, prideful, lovely, young, impulsive, servant, outspoken, firey, ugly, awkward, daughter, friend, accomplice, pawn, tool, hurt, hungry, longing, high heeled, dry, organized, hairy, traditional, artist, delightful, green, baby, bitter, wild, clean, insightful, alone.

I want to see the atlantic ocean. I want to dip my toes in it. I want to stand in Times Square. I want to learn a new language. I want to change someone's life. I want to be a mother. I want to run a marathon. I want to dispel fear. I want to change. I want to fail at something. I want to do what's right. I want to be beautiful. I want to be me. I want to find me. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to smile at complete strangers. I want to speak through images. I want to go to the temple.

Things that are beautiful:
repentance, love, kissing in the rain, falling asleep in someone's arms, worrying about someone, missing someone, falling in love for the first time, falling in love for the last time, God's plan of happiness, families, temples, the ocean, sunsets, mountains, desert sunrises, running in the rain, success, understanding someone, conversation, truth, righteousness, standing up for what's right, sharing testimonies, the mail, brotherly kindness, french toast, raw emotion.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Be Still My Soul

It's Sunday. I'm at the university garden. Today is such a beautiful day. Without thinking, I decided I needed to come here and write. I slept through sacrament today and woke up with a bad headache. I managed to make it to Sunday school though. The lesson was on Christ and the true miracle that the atonement is. Sometimes I worry I don't use the atonement enough in my life. I don't depend on Christ as much as I should. Lately I've been spending a lot of time with a friend of mine. I've never been able to talk to someone so freely. Spending time with him has caused me to reflect on my life and how I'm pretending to know what I want. I want to be married to Matt. I do want that. I realize that I may be focusing too much energy on that though. What I really want is to live my life in such a way that I may, one bright and glorious day, be able to return my Father in Heaven and say, "Here is my life. I have tried with all of my heart, mind, and strength to do as you would have me do. I have struggled and desired to be who you want me to be." Slowly, I am realizing that the only thing I want is what God wants for me. I truly want to surrender my entire self to Him. That is such a peaceful feeling. God will take care of me. His plan for me is not even comparable to the plan I've tried to construct for myself. Thy will be done Father. Thy will be done. I need to slow down. Treasure these earthly moments that soon will be memories of my test. Cherish this time. Cherish my life. He will take care of me. Be still my soul.

Be Still My Soul
words by Katharina von Schlegel

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Life is Just Life

Today is going to be a good day. The sun is shining and the sky is so magnificently blue. I can even spot a few hot air balloons wandering around. Everything is going to be okay. Life will work itself out. I'm slightly embarrassed by how much I've been worrying about everything that comes my way. "Chill." Most likely I'll be worrying about something new by tomorrow. That can't be healthy. Oh well, no matter. I'm happy now. I have been so blessed in my life. So incredibly blessed. I need to stop and remember all of the good and marvelous things in my life. Flowers, rain, dirt, cameras, chocolate, new socks, warm just out of the dryer towels, that just shaved leg feeling, excitement, anticipation, learning, family, friends, new beginnings, unfinished stories, life.

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Bright Side of Life

Lately I can't shake this jaded attitude. I miss the sunny and chipper me. My Annoynmous Male Friend, (who shall be known now as "AMF") makes me really happy. I actually found myself whistling at work. That kind of feeling can't possibly be all that bad. I am going on a mission. I am going on a mission. When my boyfriend and I talked about dating other people while he was away, he actually encouraged me, if it made me happy. AMF makes me happy. I'm not comparing these feelings to any feelings I have with the boyfriend. Completely different playing fields. Hopefully this experience will illustrate what I'm trying to say, even if it is me just trying to justify things. AMF made me dinner on Valentine's Day. I bought him a box of chocolates and he bought me one. Sorta a gift canceling out. We enjoyed each other's company when we otherwise would have both been alone. Well, me for sure at least. There can't be anything wrong with that. Wouldn't the boyfriend want me to be happy and enjoying my young life instead of being trapped in my isolation? I hope so. Maybe I just worry too much. My feelings for the boyfriend have not changed. I am not trying to replace him, am I? AMF and I have some sort of connection, on exactly which level I'm not certain. Can you ever be certain? I miss the clarity my head used to possess.

After eating...
My roommate made some food! This is the soon to be married roommate. I'm really glad that we got to sit down and talk. She's really excited and I loved hearing about all her plans. She said something that I thought was really genuine. She said she can't wait to be on her own. I thought it interesting that even though she doesn't live with her parents anymore she still considers herself dependent of them. I know I still have ties to my folks too but I definitely consider myself on my own. I love it. I always want to be financially independent, competent, and savvy. That's one thing my parents really taught me. They taught me about money and how to control it so it doesn't end up controlling you. Of course, I slip up a lot, but thus far I'm proud of my financial efforts. She asked me if the AMF had made a move. Oh, I can already hear the rumor mill rumbling. I don't care. I know who I am, I know what I want out of my life (for the most part...) and I am me, I am my own person. Today I finally feel like I'm ready to stand up for me. Don't judge me. I'm me and that definition only includes me. Man, my writing is so moody lately. For your sakes, I hope the sunny ellie comes back soon. For now, you're stuck with all I have to give.

Usernames, Passwords, and Frustration

Ah! I just spent the longest time trying to login to a blog I created over winter break. No luck whatsoever. So here I am starting a brand new blog. I hate creating new accounts. Oh well. I'm really bored at work and I want to write. I'm sick of the thoughts in my head, it's time to vomit them all up. I wish this writing would be poetic, and meaningful, and keep the attention of others, but I just don't write like that. I wish my writing could be as clever and thought provoking as my fellow bloggers, but in the end, I know it won't be. So with that said, go ahead and surf onto a more interesting, more eloquent blog. No fancy dessert here, just plain jello.

My "best" friend is moving out of our house at the end of the month so she can have a dog. So she can keep a dog that was given to her as a birthday present from her boyfriend's friends. I am really bitter. I hate these feelings of disappointment, loss, and my reluctancy to forgive and get over it. At a deep level, I feel like I've been set aside. Forgotten. There was a choice to be made between me and the dog. Now I'm looking for another roommate. I feel so irritated when she talks to me as sweet and friendly as ever. I've never vocalized my displeasure to her. If I tried I know I'd explode. My feelings have been crushed. And I won't allow myself to let that go. This same scenario has happened many times before. Where's the loyalty in this friendship? She's not my best friend. I think what's crushing me is the realization that she hasn't been my best friend for a long time. I feel lost and utterly alone. Who can I turn to? Who is my best friend? I thought I was standing on solid ground but more and more I realize I'm sinking deeper and deeper and refuse to acknowledge the thick mud swallowing me whole.

My other roommate is getting married. I'm really happy for her. I'm only sad that we've haven't bonded as roommates. We come home and do separate things. There's no reaching out. Just cold hellos and goodbyes. I'm puzzled. I have no idea how to remedy the situation. I feel as if I've tried to go at least halfway but have received no response. What can I do? Maybe we aren't meant to be close friends with everyone we meet. Maybe some people don't want to let you in. Maybe you're not good enough. I really wanted to be her friend though. I am sincerely happy for her though and I wish her all the luck in the world.

Annoynmous Male Friend
Somehow, I've become very good friends with this guy. He's not the type of guy I'd go for. We've stayed awake talking till 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm addicted to his opinion, his voice, all his thoughts. I'd be happy to just sitting and listening to him talk about anything. I'd be content if I didn't say one word or add one thought. I really don't know what's going on. I'm really scared by it. Ever since my boyfriend left for his mission I've been really afraid to let anyone close to me. It's something I'm not proud of but for the life of me I can't shake it. I'm so scared that I'll screw up something so wonderful. I'm scared to live my life. I know that sounds really generic but it's the sobering truth that brings tears to me eyes as I write it. I'll never say it out loud. I haven't done anything dishonest, nothing dishonorable. I've simply enjoyed this friend's company. I've been excited to see him, anxiously waiting to see him, to talk to him at the end of the day. Then there's the even more confusing feelings of butterflies when he touches my skin in the most mundane ways. Am I just so famished from fasting from physical affection?

This is too heavy for me to handle right now. I shouldn't be holding back tears and working.